Creepy Mannequin Party

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This past weekend, Monkey and I took a Metro North train out to the north shore of Long Island to visit a friend.  Normally, I spend part of the two-hour journey passing judgement on other passengers: loud cell phone “tawkers;” parents who let their offspring terrorize other travelers while simultaneously spreading animal cracker debris over a ten foot radius; a group of guys in their mid-twenties heading out to a friend’s wedding, each trying to outdo the other with tales of female conquests, gross out stories that involve liquor and vomiting, or debating whose boss is the bigger douche bag.  Sadly, this train ride was rather dull.  Monkey and I shared some apple slices, then she napped in her carrier whilst I dove into the new Veronica Mars novel on my iPad.

My friend decided to take me to Old Westbury Gardens, which is a stately old mansion sitting on a shitload of land.  I wish I could tell you more about its history but, to be honest, I was not paying attention.  Why, you ask?  Because I was distracted by the weird mannequins they had set up in some of the rooms.  This is the first historic home tour I’ve taken where they used fake people to set the scene along with the antique furniture and decorations.  We giggled nervously when we first saw them because they were simultaneously wacky and spooky.  We both immediately sensed that they came to life at night and threw creepy mannequin parties.  See for yourself:

IMG_4078IMG_4079 IMG_4080Told you.

The grounds were lovely though and we spent a fair amount of time strolling around snapping photos of everything. And then we saw it – a small sign along a dirt path: Dog Cemetery.  WHAT.  Of course the first thing that came to mind was Stephen King’s Pet Cemetery, which scared the living daylights out of me when I was younger, but this pet cemetery turned out to be very sweet.  There were seven or so small headstones, some with multiple dog names (not sure what that was about…a puppy flu, perhaps?).

IMG_4114And last, but not least, we saw a mustached monkey:

IMG_4088P.S.  Do not eat at the Garden Cafe.  Trust me.

I Dig Cemeteries

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Wait.  Not literally.

In my younger days I avoided cemeteries, believing that if you walked through a graveyard you would be able to feel all the regrets and unfulfilled desires of those who passed, floating around you like gnats.  Yeah, I’m weird.  Nowadays I appreciate the peacefulness and serenity of cemeteries.  I always wonder as I make my way between the large mausoleums and ornate headstones if the people lying in or beneath them were just wealthy and vain, or truly cherished and memorialized in grand style to reflect how much they were valued by loved ones.

My friend Jill, who also digs cemeteries, suggested we visit Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn.  It is the largest and most beautiful graveyard I have ever seen.  After entering through a gorgeous Gothic revival archway you are greeted by a park-like setting with rolling hills, shady trees, ponds and chapels.  I actually thought for the first time that this is where I’d like to rest my cremated bones, right next to the koi pond.  Jill and I ended up driving around a good portion of it (they offer maps, which you’ll need to navigate all the streets – yes, it is so large it has streets and avenues).  There are many famous people buried here, like Jean-Michel Basquiat and Leonard Bernstein.  If you don’t have a car and don’t feel like hoofing it, they have trolley tours on Wednesdays and Sundays.  Believe it or not, on the day we visited, a wedding was taking place in one of the chapels.

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You Know I’m Obsessed, Right?

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Clouds: Cirrus, Stratus, Cumulus, Stratocumulus, Cumulonimbus. If you’ve read any of my previous postings, you know how much I love them and that I’m addicted to cloud porn.   I follow the #cloudporn hashtag on Instagram relentlessly and swoon over the photos, thrilled that others share the same appreciation.

Here is my ode to clouds, with pictures taken over the last two months which, by the way, have been the most mild and cool summer months I have ever experienced in NYC.   (I hope I didn’t just jinx anything by saying that…probably did.)

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I Love It…Wait…I Hate It

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IMG_0120A bad day on the subway:

I know you think there is not enough room for me to get on but there actually is so how about you move your lazy ass further into the train and away from the door.  Hmm?  Well look at that…I fit.  Hey lady, how is it that you don’t know your suitcase-sized purse is digging into my ribcage?  Because you are completely enthralled with reading Fifty Shades of Grey, that’s why.  I know this due to the fact that you keep jamming your Kindle into my forearm every time the train lurches because you refuse to hold onto the pole.  If you end up stepping on my flip-flopped-foot I will punch you in the neck.  Fair warning.  Hey, he’s cute.  Wait.  That’s a woman.  Alright, which of you mutherfuckers farted?  If that rotten smell came out of me I would march myself to the ER, stat.  Hold your breath, hold your breath.  Is the a/c even on?  It feels like it’s not on.  Now I have bra sweat to contend with.  Oh no, teenage girls just got on.  Where are my headphones?  Thank heavens it’s finally my stop.  Yes, you dumb cow, I will shoulder into you if you try to get on the train when all of us are trying to get off.  Learn some manners.  You heard me.  Learn some fucking manners.  And your perfume smells like dusty old lady.

A good day on the subway:

Holy mother of miracles I got a seat.  And the seat is not coated with an unidentified substance.  Today is going to be awesome!

I Love Me A Ferry Ride

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Governors Island, situated between Manhattan and Brooklyn, within a stone’s throw of Lady Liberty, used to be a military base that was sold to the city for public use in 2003.  Nowadays you can rent bikes and explore the different gardens, view dilapidated homes, art parks, a castle, a park filled with hammocks (which hundreds of kids have sat in whilst eating rapidly melting ice creams – you have been warned).  My favorite part of Governors Island?  The boat ride over.  I love being on the water and observing the city from a different vantage point.  I’m one of those people who enjoys taking the Staten Island Ferry just for the hell of it.  It’s free y’all!  And you get a 25 minute boat ride each way.  The GI ferry, which docks next to the SI ferry, is about 6 minutes from port to port.  Much too short.  Also, the GI ferry runs only at the top of the hour and as I arrived at 11:02am, I had an hour to kill before boarding the next available ferry.  Hence, the first photo you see is from the South Street Seaport (which used to be a crappy tourist destination but is currently undergoing much needed renovations including the most awesome urban dog park I’ve ever seen).

IMG_3521 The GI ferry building is beautiful:

IMG_3535 IMG_3534The SI ferry:

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Cloud Porn Extravaganza!

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Yes, I admit I have a serious problem: I’m addicted to cloud porn.  Tonight, NYC gave its inhabitants a spectacular sunset filled with glorious pink, gray and orange clouds.  Heaven.  It was mesmerizing to watch them shift from one shape and color to another.  Examine the photos below at your own risk…cloud porn is very provocative and lures you in before you realize what’s happening…

IMG_3381 _MG_3384 IMG_3395 IMG_3396 IMG_3431IMG_3422Are you hooked yet?

P.S.  These photos are unfiltered and undoctored.

I Didn’t Know They Made 80 SPF Sunscreen

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On Sunday I took a trip to the New York Botanical Gardens in the Bronx.  It doesn’t open until 10am which is a problem for a pasty white person, as in the summer months I prefer to go anywhere outside during early morning hours when the sun isn’t as strong so I don’t fry to a crisp.  I took the D train there and Metro North back (the station is right in front of the gardens).  People, believe me when I tell you, the park is HUGE.  And poorly planned.  Most garden trails don’t lead to other garden trails, which is odd.  And while there is shade in some gardens, the main path is very wide and therefore shadeless.  After two hours and what felt like six miles of walking yet only seeing half the park, my 80 SPF sunscreen failed and I ended up with the ever enchanting forehead burn.  Yes, mom, I will buy a hat for next time.

There is a Bronx River (who knew?) that runs through the entire park, but I was not made aware of the wooded trail that runs the length of the park along the river until I reached the far end of the park (stupid map).  Did I mention that it’s shaded?  Phooey.  I may go back just for that trail.  Otherwise, I much preferred the Brooklyn Botanic Garden as it felt more organically designed.  I also didn’t find the Bronx gardens as inspiring as the Brooklyn gardens.

However, here are some of the things I did like:

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