More whacked-out 911 calls as reported by my hometown newspaper’s police blotter. Enjoy!
– A woman reported her husband was being obnoxious and squirting her with water.
– A caller from Bank Street reported a woman had a deer carcass in her apartment to feed her flesh-eating beetles. The deer was disposed of.
– A caller reported an unruly Asian man who claimed he didn’t speak English. He reportedly threw money at a bartender and then took a taxi to a convenience store, where he was causing a disturbance and telling people he was Bruce Lee. More than $1,200 in cash was collected from the bartender and returned to the man.
– A caller reported a male subject walked into a fire station and claimed that blood was oozing from the ground and there were bodies all over his property. When the male subject was informed that law enforcement would be contacted, he took off down the road.
– A caller from Pine Street reported that a person known as “Crazy Pat” stole a $6 block of cheese.
– A man reported he was lonely and just wants a friend. He sounded very drunk. He called back at 8:12 p.m. and wanted a friend to visit him because he was lonely. He called again at 8:27 p.m. and wanted to know when a deputy was coming by. He was advised no friends tonight.
– A man from Fairy Ring Mushroom Court reported his neighbor’s goat keeps coming over and head-butting his dog, who is injured. He told the neighbor to keep the goat off his property and was threatened.
– A caller from the 10000 block of Broad Street reported a human traffic hazard. A woman was doing aerobics on the double yellow line in the middle of the road, and doing freeze poses when vehicles drove by.
– A caller reported a verbal argument with another person who could be heard screaming “revolution” in the background.
– A man demanded a stay-away order and became agitated when informed that restraining orders were issued through the courts, saying he might have been robbed. He called back to report the theft of a cupcake and was advised of the proper use of 911.
– A caller reported a man acting bizarre, who thinks he is General MacArthur.
– A caller from Richardson and North Church streets reported two people “cackling” on the corner.
– A woman reported she had been fighting with a deer. The deer had attacked her dog in her garage; they are now separated. She said she has been trying to chase it away, but that it is standing at the end of the driveway staring at her.
– A caller from East Main Street reported a woman sitting in the bushes, eating flowers. She could not be located.
– A woman from Olympia Glade Mobile Home Park reported the theft of a laptop. She said she believed the person who had it would return it, and said she needed it to work as an Internet porn star. The laptop was returned.
My favorite is the flesh-eating beetles. What kind of pet mother would she be if she wasn’t willing to drag a dead deer into her apartment in order to provide nourishment for her babies?
I will never complain about my neighbors again. Ever.